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[Wednesday
07.08.09] |
When I say I'm cold, I mean I'm chilled to the bone.
I look in the mirror - pink. Upset, but not so much at the hair. More that something so small means so much to me. I don't cry until I'm out of the salon.
She watches me out of the corner of her eye. I love you, why are you so distant? I miss you. Organs feeling mechanical, a constant skipping record in my chest. Mania mania mania. I kiss her flushed cheeks, remind her that I am trying. I really am, I promise.
I have become the shadow that used to follow me silent on the concrete. I can't decide if I like it better down here or not.
Rain is comforting the same way crying is comforting the same way the ocean is comforting. You hear water splash - on glass, on t-shirts, on waves - & your heart begins to relax. All 3 are so subjective, but maybe I'm just a realist. The glass doesn't exsist, it's always half-full & it's always half-empty. The practice of polarity. My eyes are always described as watery, but rarely as green.
I do not trust my friends. In return, I don't necessarily expect anyone to trust me, either.
Numb. Novicane for waking up, liquor for falling asleep.
I miss seeing your face at 4am. Oh exboyfriend, I haven't actually spent time with you in over 3 years, maybe closer to 4. You were always my linguistic match. I could never decide if I missed you or just missed the way you love me. I do not miss you trying to push me down the stairs. If I dyed my hair fire engine red, it would be a nod to the friendship we never built. I sent you a message back - I don't expect I'll hear from you again soon.
The saddest part is editing the entry, just to remind myself how true the statement I could never decide if I missed you or just missed the way you love me is. My writing is non-sensical, but so brutally heartbreaking. That phrase is true of every single relationship I've ever had. Am I that much of a catalysist to emotionally unfulfillment?
I'm sorry.
I can't help but be cynical - this is just what I know.
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[Monday
07.06.09] |
Things I am scared of:
Moving to California, my mother dying of cancer, elevators, my health slowly becoming worse, bugs (including butterflies), that I'll ever find a best friend again, failure, that I'll revert back to the girl I once was instead of continuing to be the woman I am, running into the man who tried to rape me, choking to death, something horrible happening to Jen while I'm not around, poverity, losing the respect of those around me that I care about, darkness.
Things I am not scared of:
Jen leaving me, my family being disappointed in me, myself.
I am petrified that in 7 months I'll have made the biggest mistake of my life. I need to know I can fuck up that badly, though. I want to grow, evolve, stop being scared.
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[Friday
07.03.09] |
February 1st.
That gives us a little less than 7 months. Save save save. Learn to appreciate those around me - they won't be there for long. Enjoy Maine.
I am not scared.
I am not scared.
I am not scared.
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