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you got a face to die for; the heart of a murderer. [entries|friends|calendar]
i've got two trains of thought; drinking & revenge

we collide. we collapse.
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Photo on 2013-10-14 at 23.29 #2

Today is my 26th birthday. That means I've been posted on livejournal for almost 12 years, holy shit.

And with this post, it also means I'm not dead. Hurray! I know I totally disappeared into the nothingness, and I don't even know if anyone still reads this thing, but I had to. I'm not the same person I was. The breakup with Logan was probably the most altering breakup I've ever had; I will never be the same person again after that. Not in a positive way OR a negative way... it's just a fact. I'm a much more insular person now, more guarded, safer. I keep my distance, and my space. I'm quieter, I don't go out as much. I spend most of my time at home, on campus, at work, or at the gym. I've lost 20 pounds (!!!), which can be attributed - in all honesty - to the fact that my disordered eating has turned itself into more of a nasty eating disorder than I'd like to admit. I got inducted into the national honors society. I'm dating two very wonderful men, which is complex and makes me constantly question my own queer visibility, even though they are both hugely validating of all my experiences & one of them identifies as queer himself. I haven't talked to Logan once since the breakup, and that is something I think will always hurt. He was not the person I imagined he was. I don't think about him much anymore, but when I do, it swallows me whole. I avoid it.

Life is good, but it is quiet, and it is busy. I am frenzied, and the only way I can really describe things is with colors: it's all crimsons and blacks, all mattes and not a lot of shimmers. I live in a tower, I live in the sea. I find safety and security in my isolation, and I prefer it this way now. I am happy, I am steady. I am an adult now, and it's strange to watch the bridge to my childhood burning.
in a drunken fit of lust 6 were my redemption

in a drunken fit of lust 10 were my redemption

"I love you, baby. I do. I really do. I couldn't ask for a better lover, friend or life partner. I'd be so completely empty without you. We're perfect together, baby. We're exactly what the universe wanted.

And he's right. Logan is exactly who I'm suppose to be with. It's nice to feel home.

in a drunken fit of lust 5 were my redemption

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