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[Tuesday
05.15.12] |
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I was curled up on my side when the cats woke me up. I blinked once, twice & realized it had to be at little after 4am. I stretched out on my back with my arms over my head, shut my eyes. I heard Caitlin pad back into the bedroom, crawl into the bed. She rolled towards me & lifted her arm above her head, throwing the other one over my stomach. Sliding closer, she wrapped her fingers into mine & that's exactly how I found us an hour later when I got up for work.
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[Sunday
05.13.12] |
That moment when you're too high & American Dad makes you feel crazy.
Life feels good today. I spent the afternoon sitting in the sunshine at Dogfish Cafe & Flask, drinking & chain smoking with some of my favorite people (Veronica & Ashley, Nikkie & Rachel, Jesse, Jules, Chance & Ang, Matty & of COURSE, Annmarie & Caitlin). At one point, I was standing in the road with Caitlin, right in the last few rays of sunshine, splitting a cigarette. You're beauty isn't on the spectrum. You're not a 9, or a 10. You don't fit into those standards. It'd be offensive to even try to compare you to anyone else by anyone's standards. You're out of the realm.
Edit: I didn't realize how long it's been since I last updated. A lot has happened. Caitlin & I had a huge argument/miscommunication; I spent three days crying & convincing myself she was going to break up with me. Kraven is in Spring Harbor & I'm under direct orders to not contact him. I've been drinking a lot to deal with my anxiety, which sounds a lot worse than it is (the drinking, not the anxiety). Annmarie & I went on an epic road trip to her parents three hours away. I'm still a mermaid. The porn company I work for - Fruit Punch Productions - is having a sexy sock hop on Wednesday & I will be selling sex toys there. My emotions have been all over the place: I feel so happy today, but yesterday I was curled up in my mom's arms, sobbing. I'm at an emotional breaking point, where I will either survive or crumble. I'm excited to finally be here & face that decision. Regardless of the situation (or what the fuck ever) just occurred, I'm so fucking in love with Cait that it shakes me to my core. I was looking at her today, from her profile; her bangs swept to the side, her aviators low on her nose, her drink sweating in her hand, the shape of her jaw, the curve of her lips. Good fucking god. Yoandree & I talked outside of Flask for a few minutes today. Crystal has been texting me. Jen & I are back to talking. I am determined not to fail.
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[Thursday
05.03.12] |
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I am so fucking happy I never really got super into smash_club. Most of the people there (judging by how they react to things, articulate themselves, "act", etc.) are the types of people I wouldn't be able to stand in real life. Fire can't exist without oxygen so stop feeding the fucking beast, jesus christ. I've made a couple cool friends from it (& I love you girls), but really? I'm just shocked that grown women can be so... ridiculous. It makes me long for the days of dyke_riot, when the biggest community concern was when we'd have another topless post.
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