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[Tuesday
09.09.08] |
Walking through my room, with my clothes strewn everywhere, the drawers opened in a frenzy of "fuck, the car's running & I need to grab some shit & go!", I realized I don't have a home anymore. I found a little slip of paper; "Hey baby, work totally caught up to me today. Just remember, there is no place else I'd rather be then RIGHT HERE. I love you. Lydia." I let it flutter to the floor, grabbed my combat boots & slammed the door shut behind me.
I miss my family. The people that are supposed to be there when I am this lost, the way I am for everyone else. They aren't though, but I don't hold it against them. I put up such a solid wall when I am upset, it's rare for anyone to even know somethings undone inside of me.
I was driving with Jesse & Julie today. The sun fell on my cheeks, my hair got caught on my lipgloss & I sang along to some stupid pop song on the radio. For just one moment in time, nothing mattered except that I was driving fast, that I had the two people who have stood by me with me & that it was warm enough to wear a skirt. I wish I could encapture that feeling & feed it to myself like warm soup at moments like this. I know without them, I'd be spending most of my time alone. I don't have the words for the relationship I hold them with, & I don't really think I need them.
I slept next to Lydia for the first time in weeks the other night. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach because I never wanted her to wake up from my arms.
I just stretched one of my tragus piercings to a 14g. I need to get a new piercing soon, something to make this feeling disappate from my stomach.
I am throughly enjoying the music I used to listen to. Straylight Run, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Alkaline Trio, Panic! At The Disco, ect. I need to keep a list of the music I used to love.
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[Tuesday
09.09.08] |
It takes more time than I've ever had,
drains the life from me,
makes me want to forget.
As young as I was,
I felt older back then;
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain.
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety.
And I lied to myself,
and said it was for the best.
And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold.
I've disregarded what I was
now that I'm older,
and I know much more than I did back then.
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand.
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything.
And I lie to myself,
and say it's for the best.
We're moving forward
but holding ourselves back,
and we're waiting on something that will never come.
♥
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