you got a face to die for; the heart of a murderer.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-16T11:58:00

2009-12-16T16:58:24Z

In order...

Still dating Jesse. Obsessed with Lydia. Start talking to Jen. Stop talking to Alana. Tell Jesse we're through & stop talking to Lydia. Become super close with Julie again. Jen moves here. New York City - scapelling, Time Square, perfection. Start talking to Dan again. Jen & I ignore everyone but each other. Drama with Julie because of Kenneth. Lots of bars & fair-weather friends. Dan & Jude move to Portland. Become close to SamX & Kourtney. Dinner parties. Kourtney's birthday. Sam & Kourtney break up. Jen & Kourtney become bff's. I start talking to Lydia & Jesse again. Lydia tries to make a move on me. The group forms - me, Dan, Jude, Mikee, Jen, Kraven & Kourtney. Jen & I fight a lot. We drink constantly. Kraven & I become best friends. My birthday. The group splits; me & Kraven & Kourtney & Jen stick together. Jen & I become good again. Lots of weird drama between the 4 of us; lots of going out. Nashua for my microdermal. I attempt to make up with Ali, Alana, CR, Dan. I invite Julie to Jen's surprise party - she blows us off. I get super sick from working too much. Jen leaves in 4 days to go home to California for the holiday's.

I'm leaving so much out... Mesa Verde & Styxx & go-go dancing at The White Heart & Suicide Silence/Bury Your Dead & seeing Metric & devistation & remeetings & smoking weed sometimes & popularity & sadness & lack of sex/lots of sex & e-friendships & promises to be more positive. I forget everything somewhere down the line.

2009 was eventful & a learning experience. Here's to hoping 2010 will be a positive, enlightening year.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-15T08:19:00

2009-12-15T13:19:41Z

I think I'm getting strep throat. I work an 11 hour shift tomorrow. Jen leaves at 8am on Sunday morning. I can't afford to buy anyone gifts for Christmas. I don't remember the last night I slept more than 6 hours. I miss a lot of my old friendships that will just never be the same.

I've been going to the gym religiously. I'm dying my hair black with a spot of green. I got a pair of laced wedges for remarkably cheap. Jen & I are coming up on our 9 month anniversary. I'm attempting to slow down on how much I smoke. I've made a lot of really laid-back, intellegent friends.

Things are good, then they're bad, then good, then bad, ect. As is life.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-13T10:00:00

2009-12-13T15:00:59Z

"I don't believe in guilt or regret. I don't figure out what's right & what's wrong guided by my explosive, neurotic feelings. I believe in intuition, karma. Is what you're doing right now worth the price you'll eventually have to pay?"

"You know, Maggie, I don't think the way you do... I doubt I know anyone else who thinks like you do. But that's why I love you & you're my bestie".

"I know, Kraven. You're my bestie, too. Now gimme a goddamn cigarette.

Last night was Jen's birthday. She turns 25. I feel like I should write her mother a thank-you note - thank you for bringing the love of my life into this world. I could never repay you.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-10T20:28:00

2009-12-11T01:28:02Z

I've finally finished my Christmas wishlist!

MIX CD's. I can't stress enough how much I love homemade, thought-out, personalized gifts.

Gift cards to:

Sailor Jerry feet tattooes

Deena & Ozzy Tiger Belt
Size: medium/large

Chained Grace Sunglasses

14kt tiny treat
fortune cookie or wishbone

Circle Takes The Square hoodie
Size: small

Envy On The Coast hoodie
Size: small

Degrassi: The Next Generation DVD collection

Circle Scarf
Color: white

Jeffrey Campbell Buckled Wedge Boot
Size: 9

Limecrime lipstick
Color: cosmopop, d'lilac, great pink planet, no she didn't

Unisex Satin Charmeuse Night Jacket
Color: peacock; teal green / Size: small

Over The Knee Suede Boots
Color: black / Size: 8.5

Clear Bubble Umbrella

Fuji Instax Instant Camera

Atlas Tapestry
Color: aqua

The Sash
Color: black; grass

Le Sac dress
Color: black

A GIRL CAN DREAM, AND THIS IS WHAT I DREAM ABOUT:

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-10T07:16:00

2009-12-10T12:16:59Z

Art, art useless

I am collecting ships passing through the night,
fogged & unsure, I assure them everything will be alright.
If I can't resurrect the image in which I was painted, then it's art, art useless.
My heart, is it breathing;
my lungs, they are beating.
Even my organs don't know what melody we are playing.
My partner's slow descent from equal to courageous,
my mother's slow descent from parent to sleepless.
I am ranting to a audience colored green from the sunset;
empty beautiful eyes resting on my bedroom lips, sleeping on the cushions of my skin.
This is time wasted, not nearly as wasted as me.
But what is that softness, that fullness,
that keeps me in line?
It's art, art useless - but I need to try.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-09T20:20:00

2009-12-10T01:20:44Z

Last week & this week (so far) have been awful. I've been working ridiculously long hours, my finances are all fucked up, my bosses made me cry, I've been frantic trying to plan Jen's birthday (which is SATURDAY), the weather has been miserable & now my BED FRAME IS BROKEN.

I know it's not a lot on it's own, but those are the first things to come to mind. I'm in such a fucking bad mood. I just want to cry & chop my head off.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-09T08:31:00

2009-12-09T13:31:50Z

I've been working at 5am on booth shifts for the last 3 days & again tomorrow (on my day off)... BUT if I wasn't working this shift, then I'd be working 2-7 (aka in the dark) during a snowstorm.

Thank god for little miracles.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-07T07:03:00

2009-12-07T12:03:38Z

My septum is infected, or at least remarkably irritated. At 8ga, it's the first time I've actually been able to smell it. Also, my microdermal won't resettle after I bumped it this last time.

The girl & I have finally reached that place of communication, comfort & compassion all relationships strive towards. I find myself falling in love with her all over again. She leaves for California in 13 days; I am something similar to terrified, but more in the sad range. Thank god I don't actually care about Christmas.

I find myself thinking about monetary issues constantly. A beer here, a couple skirts there - T-Mobile just fucked me for 125.00 dollars. Jen is convinced I have a serious spending addiction; I'm hard pressed not to agree with her.

Kraven & I have been spending nearly every day together. He's my best friend. We may not have as much fun as I did with Renee, or as many adventures as I did with Brettney, or as much comfort as I did with Julie, but I enjoy it. We have long, in-depth intellectual discussions about spirituality, pick on each other & support/take care of each other as fully as we can. He's a truly unique & humbling human being.

I dislike nearly all my co-workers & my bosses, but this job is so simple. I wish I wanted to challenge myself more these days.

I can't make any decisions lately. What tattoo to get, what color to dye my hair, what battered friendships are worth saving.

Today I'm going to the gym after work. This week I'll be starting the process of re-bleaching my hair. Little steps towards a bigger change.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-04T16:12:00

2009-12-04T21:12:48Z

Staring in the bathroom mirror at Dan's; everyone doing cocaine in the living room. I looked in my own eyes - completely detached. "You don't need to do coke. No matter how badly you want it, how badly you think you need it. Come back to this situation & see how strong you've become. Please don't let yourself do this." The entire night, the entire last year, the last 10 years... flashing lights, full lungs, lies, liars, molestations & beatings (physically, mentally), love, sweating palms, debauchery, falling face down just to fly fly fly...

(I didn't.)

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-03T21:08:00

2009-12-04T02:08:12Z

Driving back from a mini-road trip with Kraven, Kourtney & Jen. I just had a dance party in the front seat alone to Lady Gaga, then Eisley, then Lil Wayne, then HeIsLegend.

This about sums up my life these days.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-03T01:55:00

2009-12-03T06:55:54Z

How odd to go to a fire at Lydia's...
& have Renee, CR, Dan-oh, Lil Dave, Brink, Burnham & some random kid I met at a party be there...
& Devon & Megan, awkward the only way you can be with someone you have a past with.

I had a lot of fun. Memories & inside jokes & happiness & beer & free whiskey. But I was so sad to realize La Familia is no more. Those unbreakable bonds; broken. I'll miss that more than anything for the rest of my life.

I'm a little drunk & the rain keeps falling, falling, falling. I'm happy right now. Right now being the term.

I love Jen. I love Kraven. The present can't be the history, or replace the life I led. But it can be great all on it's own.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-12-01T23:08:00

2009-12-02T04:08:58Z

I'm at Styxx (the fag bar, which I happen to be a regular at) & it's crawling with hipsters. I'm surrounded by girls in DIY'd band t-shirts, slouchy ankle boots; boys drinking PBR because it's ironic, pants tighter than any I own. Me & my floral tube dress & wedge heels do not belong.

GET OUT OF MY GAY BAR, STRAIGHT HIPSTERS. I WANT TO LISTEN TO LADY GAGA AND DANCE WITH ADORABLY PRISSY FAGS.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-30T07:19:00

2009-11-30T12:19:43Z

I feel like I'm not giving ya'll a well-rounded, every-side-of-the-story perspective on my life. I rarely write when something positive happens, probably due to being so engulfed in it that writing in my livejournal doesn't take prescendent.

I'm a very vunerable person. I trust easily & love hard. I constantly expect out of others what I myself can rarely give. So when someone hurts me, they really hurt me. But something changed in the last couple of years. I've started holding grudges; refusing to forgive. That's so unlike me. So yesterday I decided to start somewhere. I texted Dan; we're getting coffee today. I messaged Alana; we're going to get a drink sometime soon. I messaged CR; he hasn't responded, but I doubt he will. They're small victories over the larger issue, but it's something. All 3 of them were at one point considered my "best friend". I'd like to get the courage to message Julie, Sam X, Ben & Lexy, Renee... I don't know if I ever will. But I feel lighter already; closer to my more balanced & affectionate self.

Jen's leaving in 20 days for California. She'll be gone for 9 days. I'm petrified. I have horrible anxiety & seperation issues. I haven't ever gone that long without her since we began dating. I'm sure I'll be fine - panic attacks & all - but I'm not looking forward to it. Thank god I have some entertaining, albeit not that close, friends.

I've really let my personal care routine go during this bout of depression for the last couple of months. I stopped going to the gym, didn't make certain appointments I promised myself I would. I find that even doing my hair or showering takes excess effort on my behalf. I need to remember to care about myself before I try to worry & care about others.

I'm a very fortunate woman. I've got a partner who I'm absolutely infatuated with still, 8 months down the road, who feels the same about me. I have a very fostering, understanding relationship with my father. I have a mother who is not only a role model for me in her strength, but the best friend I could ever hope for, in thick & thin. I hold a job that, while not challenging, pays well & offers me some sense of monetary security. I've met a best friend who transcends any physical want/need & skips directly to emotional fulfillment. I can look in the mirror, in my closet, in my bank account & be satsified with what I see. I know my talents for writing & empathy & sociology are brilliant. I'm lonely often, but am even beginning to appreciate that.

I'm questioning things constantly; finding the little details overwhelming.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-29T11:36:00

2009-11-29T16:36:32Z

I hate knowing they call each other "fam"; that they're using my jokes to make each other laugh during their Adderal-induced overnights. These were my best friends - the people who told me "always" & I was stupid (or drunk) enough to believe it. Dan, Jude, even Tracie...

I can & will be perfectly fine without them. Kraven is not only a good, but a great, best friend. Jen don't fight like we use to when we were over there constantly. I can actually trust that what I say to someone in confidence will stay as such. The liquor I buy lasts longer; I enjoy it more. I don't get hangovers every day, simply because I don't feel the need to get belligerant every night. Do I miss the unadultered laughter? The easiness of their friendships? The constantly company, so close to home? The "always-down-for-anything" group mentality? Of course I do.

I can't say if the negitives outweigh the positives in this case - not yet. I'll find out. Maybe by this time next week everything will be fine again... or maybe when Jen & I leave in Febuary, my friendships with them & that entire group will be severed.

I'm sick of living in the future. The present is passing me by, like the moments before something great happens. I'm learning to appreciate the build-ups, with or without the people I thought we're my "family".

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-27T14:53:00

2009-11-27T19:53:06Z

I am overwhelmed trying to make my Christmas wishlist. Someone please just come to my house & tell me what I need. I really should just put gift cards on there & leave it at that.

Thanksgiving was okay. Nothing to write home about, except for the cheap champagne Jen & Kraven & I got drunk on.

I really would like someone to bring me flowers & chocolates & a day off.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-26T02:23:00

2009-11-26T07:23:34Z

I like my mania.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-23T06:28:00

2009-11-23T11:28:05Z

I'm not sure how I feel anymore; confusion seems to be the word of the month for me.

01. I finally got to Nashua to get my microdermal. It's healing beautifully, Ryan Ouellette is a total sweetheart & the road trip there & back was amazing.
02. I've been spending all my time with Kourtney, Kraven & Jen. Anyone I see beyond them is usually coincidence, unless it's someone we invite out with us. Kraven's my best friend at this point & I'm incredibly thankful for his kindness, his insight & his compassion.
03. Tomorrow is mine & Jen's 8 month anniversary. Has it really been that long already? Goddamn.
04. I haven't talked to Dan in 2 weeks; we're going to get coffee tomorrow to "resolve" things. As much as I miss him (he's so much fun to be around!), I mostly miss that group dynamic we had built - me, Jen, Dan, Mikee, Kourtney, Kraven, Jude... sometimes Linda & Ramsey, or Jesse, or Meesh... we were a little family & I loved that feeling of never being alone.
05. I read livejournal everyday; why don't I update more often?

Photo's soon, I promise. There's a lot going on in my life that I'm not writing about here. Spending addictions, vodka, spiritual enlightenment, relationships built, relationships fallen, queerdom, disappointment, elation. I am a mess right now, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-18T05:54:00

2009-11-18T10:54:36Z

Last night I went to see Metric with Jen. I'd never heard them before, but I've become a huge fan, just from their live performance. I also saw Band Of Skulls, which is this totally rockin' band with a badass chick bassist. Metric had an amazing stage presence, with a brilliant light show behind them. That concert just renewed how much I miss live music.

On a totally different (but not unrelated note), I've been at work for 1/2 hour. It's 5:53am. The Metric show got over at 11:30 & we didn't even get home til midnight. My body hates me; I am exhausted.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-16T09:25:00

2009-11-16T14:25:13Z

I never talk about day to day stuff with you guys. There's so much going on in my world that you all don't know about. I'm not very good at writing these types of entries, but I'll try.

I'm really excited for Thursday. Jen, Kraven, Kourtney (my girlfriend, my best friend & Jen's best friend) & I are taking a mini road trip to Nashua, NH. I'm going to see Ryan Ouellette at Precision Body Arts to do a microdermal for me, as well as to check my anatomy for a triangle & large gauge navel. It'll be nice to get out of Portland for the day; plus, I feel like New Hampshire is a second home to me. I've been wanting to get work done by Ryan for awhile now, so it's really awesome that I'm finally getting down to go see him.

Lately, I've felt like my only real friends are Kraven & Kourtney. After my birthday party, Dan stopped talking to me for some reason... which, as my best friend, seemed weird. They had a party at his apartment for Liz's 21st birthday, but didn't tell me. That apartment is SERIOUSLY my second home; I usually have either Dan or Jude's set of keys, I go over there at least once a day. We were a family - me, Jen, Kraven, Kourtney, Dan, Jude & Mikee... plus sometimes Linda, Ramsey, Tracie, Meesh or Jesse. We saw them all out at the bar Friday night & it freaked me out, so I left early. I haven't been coping well with abandonment issues.

78 days until I move to California. I'm petrified & excited all at once. I know it's a positive step for me, but how am I suppose to feel comfortable leaving the place I've called home for 22 years?

I've had an awful headache for the last 4 or 5 days. No amount of asprin will make it go away. I'm thinking it's just stress, but I wish I had health insurance so I could go see a doctor.

I love going out to the bars; being social, drinking. I've found myself not being as excited to go out lately, though. It's an old game - saying hello to everyone you're "suppose" to, keeping up apperances because that's what's "expected" of you, being everyone's best friend on the dance floor & gossiping about them during the next cigarette break. I bitch about it, but these are my people. These are the people who tell me their secrets because they trust me because I don't gossip; the people who get drunk & flirt with me because I'm not skankin' it up.

Jen & I are tense, but growing. I doubt she'll ever be a topic of conversation on this journal; she's too... she's not up for discussion.

I wish I was rich. I don't like to admit that, but it's true. I like material things; they make me happy. I want to buy all the heels & high-waist skirts I want. I'm sick of budgeting, of buying off sale racks, of saving just to spend the money on bills. I like to splurge & I have no doubt that my complusive shopping habits will always keep me in debt.

I like who I am as a person, who I'm shifting to become. The only person I'll ever need to make me happy is myself.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-16T08:36:00

2009-11-16T13:36:07Z

I know this is going to sound selfish; spoiled princess-esque. But I don't really give a fuck.

I didn't get anything I really wanted for my birthday. I loved the Ukulele that Jen bought me (Cathouse, too) & all the other gifts were nice (especially the vodka). But let's talk about how many fucking books I got. 4 books plus a 50.00 gift card to Borders. Ummmm... what? Everyone knows I read so quickly & so often that the librarians downtown know me by name. Buying me books is like buying most people food; a kind gesture, but not a long-lasting gift. I was really hoping for a new pair of plugs, an hour of tattooing, a couple awesome mix CD's, gift certificates to Forever 21 / Urban Outfitters / American Apparel / MAC / Aldo, or even my Dolce glasses to be fixed.

I guess I just wish my friends & family knew me better. I don't expect much on gift giving holidays, because I understand that the economy sucks. But I always try to make/buy something really personal; something truly unique. Creativity is the best gift, y'know? I'm just hoping this birthday wasn't a sign of how 22 will treat me - awkward, off-balanced, disappointing & underwhelmed. Because for as much fun as my birthday was... if it wasn't for all that vodka my friends bought me, I can't say it would have been much fun at all.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-14T17:01:00

2009-11-14T22:01:39Z

So I never do these meme things, but it's a rainy Saturday, so why not?

- Reply to this meme by typing "hey girl hey!"
- I will then give you 3-5 words that remind me of you.
- Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.

My girl sammydebutante gave me...

Body Mods: I've got two passions in life - sociology & body modification. It's my art, my soul. I've got roughly 15 tattooes & 20 piercings, several of which are stretched (1" lobes, 4ga seconds, 8ga tragus', 0ga tounge, 10ga septum). My ears were scapelled, which was probably the most intense body modification I've recieved to date. I plan on getting wrist implants, scarification on my thigh & some sort of branding. This Thursday I'm going to Nashua, NH to get a chest microdermal. I've got plans for a half sleeve, a full back piece, a side piece, armpit pieces & the tops of both my feet. I don't know what kind of woman I would be if I have never discovered the beauty of body modification. It helps me like myself, inside & out. I physically wear my heart on my sleeve... on my skin... & I would have it no other way.

Jen: My heart & soul; my best friend & girlfriend. Jen (lovebuzz03) & I have been together for nearly 8 months. We met because of the community dyke_riot. She lived in Riverside, California & I live in Portland, ME. We first commented to each other about 3-4 years ago. She became close with a girl who lives in Portland & began texting me because she was going to possibly come move here, just to start fresh. We immediately fell in love & within a month of texting, I paid for her to move out here. She is the woman I'll be spending the rest of my life with. She's genderqueer, which I think is a beautiful, brilliant thing. She keeps me grounded & sane & I help her keep her head in the clouds. We match perfectly & I can't imagine ever wanting to leave her.

Hair Color: I've been dying my hair since I was 12. The first time I dyed it, I tried to get brown hair with blonde highlights. I ended up with orange hair. At the time, I was scarred. I guess I didn't know that 6 years later, I'd be dying my hair pumpkin orange. My hair has been every color under the sun... twice. It's currently purple, which I'm fading out. I'll be dying my hair electric blue in Decemember. It's very thin & very dead because of the amount of bleach I've put into it, but I'm not particularly considered with that.

Drinking: I enjoy drinking... probably too much. I'm what my friends call a "functioning alcoholic". I pay my bills, I hold a full-time job, I have a great relationship with not only my girlfriend but both my parents as well as a solid group of friends, ect. It just so happens that 4-5 nights out of the week, I'm drunk. I prefer dark rum & vodka over other liquors & PBR over other beers. It's not bragging when I admit that I can drink you under the table. I'm sure someday I'll stop drinking, but it's not really an issue for me at this point in my life.

♥

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-12T19:29:00

2009-11-13T00:29:27Z

I'm getting awfully sick of fair-fucking-weather friends.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-11T16:26:00

2009-11-11T22:26:52Z

I am just a symphony of bad habits. The nail-biting accompanies the neuroticism. The obsessive-complusive tendencies flourish behind the irritational fears. The biting sarcastic comments lead into binge eating, which of course is backed by fear of food or the more well known slight anorexia.

The sounds of my world are not always positive & flowing, but they lull me to sleep at night; sirens to a city, in a way.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-10T06:41:00

2009-11-10T12:41:58Z

Someone in off_wut asked "what 'types' do you usually date?" I responded

"... hyper intellectuals with low self-esteem; usually a drinking problem."

As soon as I was done typing, I realized that I AM one of the most vain people I know. Because if I've always been attracted to people who fit that description, then I've really just been dating people who are exactly like me.

Thank god for Jen. She's grounded where my head is in the clouds; she's serious when all I want is fun; she's happiness when all I can see is sorrow. Our relationship may not be as harrowing & passion-fueled as past partners, but I can't say I'd want it to be. "If you always chase what you've always chased, then you'll always get what you've always got." I'm sick of inspirational heartbreak, emotional breakdowns, physically manifesting what my stomach can't handle. I've found my other half; not my kindred spirit, but the woman that completes me, fills me in where I am void.

dirty__glamour @ 2009-11-07T22:13:00

2009-11-08T04:00:07Z

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! Some of you are new on this journal; some of you have been reading for years (& years & years & years...) All of you are amazing, beautiful people & I'm remarkably lucky to have such great e-friends.

TWO! gorgeous ice cream cakes

50.00 dollar giftcard to

(Except instead of those charms, it has ladybugs & angel wings)

& the best two gifts:

A TICKET TO SEE AMANDA PALMER ON THURSDAY

AND A UKULELE! A FUCKING UKULELE!

I had a lot of fun at my party. Some people disappointed me (not showing up, being dickheads), but mostly everyone surprised me (made me feel so appreciated). I'm 22 now. I realized today that means that now I have to be an adult; no excuses. And for the first birthday in my entire life, I'm happy to be alive.
♥