you got a face to die for; the heart of a murderer.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-07-06T22:15:00

2008-07-07T02:15:34Z

I have been feeling very middle of the road lately.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-07-03T20:14:00

2008-07-04T00:23:49Z

I want to fall unabashedly in love. Or, upon a better thought process, I want someone to fall achingly in love with me. I use my pale skin & unwavering green eyes to try to attract someone, anyone really, to me. I have a woman in love with me already, so this is a selfish tyrant. I just miss that unknowing when someone is so desperately in love with you, they drop everything at the sound of your voice. I suppose I don't inspire that in others. I am too stuck on being the lover that I've suddenly flipped into the fighter. I'm annoyed with my scribblings of mix tapes in ripped journals; angered at the poetry I type with a fury at the earliest hours of the day. I want the romanticism my own mind can initiate from someone else. My elitism is stemmed from these years of perfecting the art of a dark language, the art of honest love. Although I can not express it properly, Lydia is not only more than I ache for in the deepest of my bones, she is also the woman that I want this from more than anything.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-07-02T08:24:00

2008-07-02T12:26:58Z

It's 8:16am. I'm wearing a florescent yellow t-shirt, preparing to go to my second day at work. I dyed my hair black. Today is CR's birthday; tonight is his rager. This will be interesting. I danced in the rain yesterday with Aligash & David; I wish it could be like that all the time. I can't wait to get my next tattoo. These entries are becoming less & less intriguing. I apologize for nothing.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-30T20:28:00

2008-07-01T00:33:42Z

I've played beer pong 4 nights in a row. I start my job tomorrow. Yesterday was Ellie's birthday; I talked to Renee for the first time in weeks. The brakes on my new bike are broken. I wish I owned The Carter 3. I'm getting a tattoo of the Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma ribbon for my mom, but I can't help & wonder if this is a secretly selfish thing I'm doing. I love Lydia in the kind of way that makes me ache because I'm terrified she'll never love me as much as I love her. I cry every single day now; I can't decide if I like that or not. I miss having a best friend. I need to start eating better... or maybe just less. I sat on my porch with a pink cowboy hat on & fed Isen watermelon. It made me smile.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-27T15:24:00

2008-06-27T19:25:48Z

Lydia almost broke up with me an hour ago, sitting in my arms on our porch. Then I went in the bathroom & almost got sick. I would rather be miserable with her (but know this isn't how it will be forever) then happy alone.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-24T02:34:00

2008-06-24T06:47:00Z

I guess I just wonder what causes such mistrust in relationships that we count on to last. If you search, there are those constants, the love that we believe will outlast eternity. But they are always destined to fall, destined to fall the hardest. I watch my two best friends grow to hurt each other because they care too much; they will never fully understand the way the others heart swells with love. I view mothers & daughters; fathers & sons; best friends of years take that curtsied fall of grace. I question if the compassion I feel for Lydia will truly outlast us, or if my fear will determine the amount I will allow myself to love her. My best friend in the world, the woman I counted on to be all the cliched things that a 20 year old female needs, lost my mistrust in the split second of an act & has never looked back & so I will not allow myself to either. I've become a fan of run on sentences, bookmarking the slightest thing that makes me feel passion, fiery sweet heartache. I miss that feeling of realism. Somehow I will allow this city to get the best of me, I can feel that in the deepest of my bones, the slightest of my cavities. I've been feeling the lack of inspiration, the loss of something much more malignant & essential. I need to remember to breath. I find myself trying to sleep softly next to her naked body, coated slimly in a layer of sweat & salt & almost choking on every ounce of oxygen that tries to enter me. I hate the idea of a thought process that can't be studied, an idea that can't flourish, finding it's pregnancy deep in the muscles inside my unexplainable brain. I guess I just wonder what causes such mistrust in relationships that we count on to last... especially the one we hold with ourselves.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-22T20:44:00

2008-06-23T00:46:51Z

I always highly underestimate the intelligence of my friends. Sitting in my living room on a rainy Sunday with Brink, Ali, Said, CR, Brendon & my mom is a good way to spend that Sunday.

Sitting in my living room on a rainy Sunday with those people & having a 4 hour conversation about feminism, gay pride, the black movement & humanism is a great way to spend that Sunday.

Spending time alone truly makes you appreciate the rare times you spend with others. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm certainly finding that contentment I'm searching for.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-21T23:13:00

2008-06-22T03:21:56Z

She smiled sadly at me; my heart dropped to the small of my back, the place she liked to put her hand best. We both knew things had changed, but not this much. Softly, I whispered "you were my best friend"; I don't think she believed me. I sat on the ground, feeling the gravel catch in the threads of my dress, watching her cigarette smoke curl around her head. I wondered who cut her hair as she sighed deeply. "Since when have we ran out of things to say to each other", our eyes screamed at each other. I asked if she still wanted to start a publishing company (she does), she asked if I was still studying Tahitian (I am). Gulping down the rest of my beer, I choked on the warm, slightly dirty liquid & willed myself to stand up. I hugged her tightly, letting my cheek rest against her the bare skin of her neck. She held her own hands together behind my back so neither of us would let go; I should have thought of the entirety of this action more throughly when it was happening. Looking at the ground, then up at the sky, my hair fell in front of my face as we walked back inside of her apartment. This is the last time... I'm just not sure of what yet.

I am letting the telephone ring.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-17T21:55:00

2008-06-18T02:12:22Z

What a difference a year can make...

VERSUS

VERSUS

Time changes everything. In the amount of time it takes for us to inhale a deep, slow breath, a car crash can ruin a family, destroy a marriage, emotionally damage someone forever. We take photos to stop time, just for that instant where we smile for the camera & hold our faces, shaking albeit our hardest efforts. Those photos haunt us, remind us of happier moments, no matter how happy we are currently. "Remember when" is nothing but the beginning of a grocery store novella where everyone is the star, the story lines are tragic & bright. Time changes everything & I suppose it's finally caught up to me as well. Time to grow up.

I'm terrified; relieved.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-16T20:32:00

2008-06-17T00:38:18Z

I need exactly 25 dollars in credit card form that I'm not going to have til the 1st. I just want to buy my summer dresses so I can dance around & be happy.

Plz to be helping?

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-13T19:20:00

2008-06-13T23:21:11Z

Sienna Miller and Miu Miu should come out with a line together. Then I would be a very happy girl.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-11T02:35:00

2008-06-11T06:42:27Z

Stellar166: are you a lonely girl?
make me obvious: of course. if you're an aware human being, you're lonely. detachment is the highest form of enlightenment.
Stellar166: i imagine being detached you wouldn't need to feel lonely
make me obvious: ah, but if you don't feel lonely then you are just cold hearted. such a huge difference between detachment & being cold hearted.
Stellar166: i didn't think your heart could warm while detached
make me obvious: untrue. a heart is a physical object, constantly working not only for, but against us. therefore, detachment is mental, but your heart works on a completely different system.
Stellar166: i try to remain attached
make me obvious: the only true way to love someone wholly is being detached, because then you can be objective & find the most content & fulfilling role for the relationship you are partaking in.
Stellar166: are you partaking in a relationship that you must view from a detached standpoint to appreciate.. ?
make me obvious: No. I choose not to be a part of relationships that "must" be viewed in any sort of way. Everything should be fluid, including detachment & reattachment.

Maria is one of the only women that can still make me speak passionately about emotional connection anymore. This conversation is very realistic to how I am today.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-10T03:53:00

2008-06-10T07:55:19Z

I want more friends to lay in the grass with me, with the sun burning our faces & making our beers warm.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-08T12:03:00

2008-06-08T16:05:40Z

Happy birthday, Lydia.
I love in a way that is indescribable & unconditional. Here's the the first of your birthday's we get to spend together & the next lifetime of them to look forward to.

♥

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-07T02:01:00

2008-06-07T06:02:18Z

It's 2am. Some crazy drunk man is running up & down my street, screaming "MARISOL!", which is making my friends who are smoking a bowl lose their minds laughing. I am amused easily.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-06T03:58:00

2008-06-06T07:59:25Z

Don't fucking tell me you'll be home in 5 minutes & then go downtown & eat a bunch of mushrooms & not even both to call me.

You know, I love my girlfriend, but sometimes she can be such an insensitive cunt.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-06-04T00:27:00

2008-06-04T00:47:26Z

I just got my tragus pierced. Somewhere down the line I forgot how much cartilage piercings suck. It'll be worth it when I stretch it (after it's healed, of course.) It was Lydia's anniversary gift to me. I can't believe we've almost been together for a year. This summer will be very, very awkward. Thank god for my friends. On a sidenote, I'm going to see Ani Difranco & Kimya Dawson in Hyannis, MA. That will be exciting. I wish Millionaires would come up here. I need to fix my car.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-27T04:04:00

2008-05-27T08:12:13Z

I'm fighting this insatiable ache in my stomach, reminding myself that things are different a year later. 365 days ago, I was up this late at night, calling Him & asking questions I didn't want answers to; why aren't you home yet? Who is that in the background? Are you coming back tonight? You aren't doing any of the blow are you? He would stumble home with shaking hands, bedroom eyes & a slur of answers. His work let him off early, so he went to the bar. The bar was filled with potential customers, so he was hustling. While he was hustling, he got invited to a party. The party was so crazy he got caught up. While he was partying, his ride left so he had to skate home. And then "here I am, Maggie. Back here with you, baby. I love you so much, I can't wait to get our place together. Stop crying, baby, I'm home. I promise, tomorrow night I'll skate home right after work." Insert my stupidity here. Insert my ignorant, 19 year old self here. Insert the beginning of ruining my relationship skills here. So while I'm sitting in an empty house for the first time in days at 4am, I'm not appreciating the silence, the quiet night I shared with friends, the humming of the television behind me. I'm calling Her cellphone until she answers. I'm yelling at her, as I always should have at Him. This stomach ache is getting worse, until the bile rises in my throat & I make one last snide remark, hang up & immediately run to the bathroom. 365 days later, He still manages to make a constant impact on my social abilities.

I can only hope she understands.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-25T04:27:00

2008-05-25T08:30:20Z

I found my cell phone buried beneath my old writing & broken McDonald's toys in a drawer. I think I drink too much. My head hurts, my girlfriend turned her phone off & isn't home, & I'm sick. I've got a job interview on Monday, my best friend & little brother are dating (it's adorable), & I think I found a bike to buy for 50 dollars. Seeing Caitlin was very odd for me tonight, I feel like she was expecting things to be the same. Although time does not exist, it still causes an effect. I'm downsizing my stretched lobes so I can eventually get to 1". The sun is coming up at 4:29am; I want to listen to Bright Eyes.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-24T01:26:00

2008-05-24T05:30:45Z

Karma.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-17T03:16:00

2008-05-17T07:25:28Z

I try to constantly push myself to be articulate, especially now that I'm midway through my simplification process. It's difficult to present yourself the way you'd like when you don't have a hearty vocabulary to fall back on, which I always have. I'm seeing now though that possibly my English language was failing me; that possibly I've been able to reflect my thoughts in a manner which doesn't include paraphrasing & overzealous words in perfectly manicured paragraphs. I've been catching myself truly enjoying my alone time now, distantly making plans that will more likely than not fall through on my behalf. I lost my phone 3 days ago; I haven't thought about it since. I spent all day yesterday lounging in bed naked, pulling my curtains back to let the sunshine flood my room & block out the terribly produced reality show I was engulfed in. It was in that moment, that wasn't anything you could call silent but certainly serene that I found myself. I wasn't trying to plan others events for the evening, or impress an ex-partner, or even choose an outfit I deemed fitting for the world to judge me on. I was just... being. & this, in itself, is terrifying to me. I am such a strong believer in doing the things that scare you the most & this is the first time I've taken my own advice. I'm allowing myself to be part of a stable relationship with a women who doesn't love me for JUST my body or JUST my mind, but both & everything else I can offer. I'm not chasing after friendships that will drain me of my sanity or women who will break my heart for the thrill of it. I am looking to myself for the answers & upon arriving here, it's just as scary as expected, but pleasantly fulfilling.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-14T03:44:00

2008-05-14T07:46:33Z

I am finding myself very detached as of late. At first I controlled my reclusion; I've trained myself too well to be objective. I miss close proximity.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-08T20:27:00

2008-05-09T00:39:05Z

I'm a babe, obvz.

(...although not as attractive as Ben)

Apparently at this point in the night,
I took a drastic change for the worst... drinking a bottle of wine
& many, many shots of Tequila will do that, apparently.
I like to call these The Blackout Period.

(Denny's bathroom floor, apparently)

dirty__glamour @ 2008-05-01T20:19:00

2008-05-02T00:24:29Z

This is reckoning.

These are the situations that remind me there is more to life than waking up next to her.

... just remember, the first step in forgetting is destroying all the evidence.

dirty__glamour @ 2008-04-28T16:45:00

2008-04-28T20:49:14Z

Well, that was a perfectly good waste of 9 months. The bus to New York should never run again.

It was nice well it lasted, kid.