you got a face to die for; the heart of a murderer.

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:11:28 GMT

When I say I'm cold, I mean I'm chilled to the bone.

I look in the mirror - pink. Upset, but not so much at the hair. More that something so small means so much to me. I don't cry until I'm out of the salon.

She watches me out of the corner of her eye. I love you, why are you so distant? I miss you. Organs feeling mechanical, a constant skipping record in my chest. Mania mania mania. I kiss her flushed cheeks, remind her that I am trying. I really am, I promise.

I have become the shadow that used to follow me silent on the concrete. I can't decide if I like it better down here or not.

Rain is comforting the same way crying is comforting the same way the ocean is comforting. You hear water splash - on glass, on t-shirts, on waves - & your heart begins to relax. All 3 are so subjective, but maybe I'm just a realist. The glass doesn't exsist, it's always half-full & it's always half-empty. The practice of polarity. My eyes are always described as watery, but rarely as green.

I do not trust my friends. In return, I don't necessarily expect anyone to trust me, either.

Numb. Novicane for waking up, liquor for falling asleep.

I miss seeing your face at 4am. Oh exboyfriend, I haven't actually spent time with you in over 3 years, maybe closer to 4. You were always my linguistic match. I could never decide if I missed you or just missed the way you love me. I do not miss you trying to push me down the stairs. If I dyed my hair fire engine red, it would be a nod to the friendship we never built. I sent you a message back - I don't expect I'll hear from you again soon.

The saddest part is editing the entry, just to remind myself how true the statement I could never decide if I missed you or just missed the way you love me is. My writing is non-sensical, but so brutally heartbreaking. That phrase is true of every single relationship I've ever had. Am I that much of a catalysist to emotionally unfulfillment?

I'm sorry.

I can't help but be cynical - this is just what I know.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 11:14:29 GMT

Things I am scared of:
Moving to California, my mother dying of cancer, elevators, my health slowly becoming worse, bugs (including butterflies), that I'll ever find a best friend again, failure, that I'll revert back to the girl I once was instead of continuing to be the woman I am, running into the man who tried to rape me, choking to death, something horrible happening to Jen while I'm not around, poverity, losing the respect of those around me that I care about, darkness.

Things I am not scared of:
Jen leaving me, my family being disappointed in me, myself.

I am petrified that in 7 months I'll have made the biggest mistake of my life. I need to know I can fuck up that badly, though. I want to grow, evolve, stop being scared.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 02:24:20 GMT

February 1st.
That gives us a little less than 7 months. Save save save. Learn to appreciate those around me - they won't be there for long. Enjoy Maine.
I am not scared.
I am not scared.
I am not scared.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:24:52 GMT

It's been raining, gray & dismal for over a week. I need sunshine - I feel as though I'm going insane. How did we completely skip over summer here in Maine? I just want to wear my warm weather dresses & drink beer outside.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:58:29 GMT

Last night was a delicious dinner party, hosted at Kourtney's, cooked by Samx. It's funny, as you get older, your idea of "fun" shifts, but rarely changes. We had an amazing vegatarian meal, with a pineapple up-side down cake (provided by Andrew) & great conversation. I met someone who enjoys body mods as much as me. I saw my girlfriend chop all her hair off into the sexiest faux hawk I've ever seen. But in the end, what happened? We all sat around, playing Apples to Apples, chugging back PBR.

6 months. We gave ourselves 6 months before we go. Which means I need to learn to really appreciate the new friends I've made, because soon, I'll be gone.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:30:58 GMT

Things that would make my wardrobe more awesome.

01. Birdcage heels
02. Pale yellow & forest green skinny jeans
03. Silver lamè body suit (via American Apparel),
04. Crisp, well fitting white button up shirt
05. Another romper/jumper, hopefully cream or deep purple
06. More high-waisted skirts (the essential of my 90% of my outfits), preferably with pockets
07. Tube top dresses that don't have the god awful smocking at the top
08. Oversized 80's sweatshirt, certainly off the shoulder
09. More braided headwraps
010. A pair of the shortest shorts I can get away with, cuffed
011. The perfect V-Neck, in every color imaginable.

This is my casual way of saying I need retail therapy.

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:02:47 GMT

"I wish every night could be like tonight."

Last night was such a sharp reminder of why I love Portland so much. Shot after shot after shot, kissing friends full on the lips, drunken karaoke, but everyone in the bar is singing along. When the rain started to fall, I walked outside alone & enjoyed the water on my skin. My writing would fail to articulate, but for the first time, I'm okay with that.

Sometimes words don't capture blatent, unapologetic happiness.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 13:00:51 GMT

You always want what you can't have.

I have felt the ill effects of that statement too many times in my love life. However, I've never been the RECIEPIANT of someone else coping with it.

It's a slightly uncomforting, flattering feeling.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:01:50 GMT

We've known each other for 8 years. You met me when I was an awkward 13 year old girl, unsure of my passions & my body. You smiled, winked at me. The next year, when I entered high-school, you were a senior. You helped everyone coin me a "froshmore" & the first time we hung out, we didn't run out of things to say until the sun went down.

I was 14, you were 18, but I doubt either of us cared.

There was never any sexual tension between us. It was like we had been best friends forever - the kind of friendship everyone hopes for. I spent every waking moment with you. You were better than a partner, more than a friend. You felt like my family.

You held my hand when I came out, when I had my first real relationship, when I first got my heart broken, when I stopped going to therapy, when I dropped out. I held your hand when you graduated, when you first got your heart broken, when your family didn't accept you, when you didn't know where to go. We spent hours upon hours driving in your car, chain smoking & chugging back coffee.

We had an eating disorder together & when people complimented one of us "you look so good!", it was a compliment for both of us; we glowed.

No one knows as much about me as you & I can safely say the same for you. We held hands & sang sad songs & cut ourselves & laughed & got drunk & cuddled & skipped classes & for the first time in either of our lives, we weren't alone.

None of this is showcasing just how close we were, just how much we needed each other.

When we lost touch, I figured it to be my fault. I started doing drugs, hanging out with a different crowd. You were always there when I needed you, though, & vice versa. You never missed a birthday & every October 23rd, I thought of you.

Then I fucked it up.

I knew you liked her. I was selfish & angry you spent so much time with the woman I had been in love with for years. But believe me, when I fucked her, it had nothing to do with you. I guess that was my first mistake. I understood what I had given up, but she blinded me with what I thought I was love & I was willing to let you go.

You'll never forgive me. I know this because you bring it up now, years later.

I came crawling back, apologizing. You took me back graciously & I swore to never do it again. I was almost 20 & you were too important to me. I introduced you to all my new friends, I invited you to be a part of my life again. Somehow, the pieces didn't fall correctly this time & we saw each other in passing, distant "hello"'s. Then I did it again. I cheated on my (then) girlfriend with the girl I promised to stay away from for your sake & I knew I had lost you.

But I didn't.

When she broke up with me, you were the first person I called. You asked no questions, just picked me up & drove me around. We were insepertable again. I felt whole. I didn't realize you had such strong feelings for him & I didn't realize you'd hate me when I slept with him.

But it wasn't too much of an issue, you promised. It wasn't the same, but we both avoided bringing that up. You came to my 21st birthday, but we barely talked. I introduced you to my friend & when you two started dating, something backfired. You both despised me. I couldn't fix it because I didn't know what was wrong. So I stepped back. We kept doing this - back & forth & back & forth. Finally, we were spending more time together. You & her had broken up, we were spending a good amount of time apart, so we could enjoy our friendship more.

When Jen got here, you were the only one I wanted her to meet. We took an amazing road trip to New York City & I had everything - my new girlfriend & my best friend. It was perfect.

This is where it starts to get fuzzy. You told me you needed to not be around a couple all the time, & I got that. But then you started to be mean, almost rude, when you were around other people. It was like I was the butt of your jokes. Suddenly, you had no problem explaining "you & I are friends, we haven't been best friends for awhile". You replaced me.

I wasn't jealous, I was just sad. How do you cope with losing your other half, your soulmate? That's what you were & I had always assumed you would be.

Now you're acting like you miss me again & I don't know how to react. You can't treat me like shit, then expect me to be there to run back to. You can't let go of the past & I guess in a different context, neither can I.

I'll always love you. You'll always be the best friend I ever had, the only constant I've had for 8 years. But not anymore. I'm crying & this doesn't make sense. It's not articulate or well-spoken or meaningful. It doesn't get my point across.

I'm sorry for what I've done. Why can't you be sorry, too? Why can't you let me in & let me be there like I used to be? I don't even know you anymore.

I miss a stranger. This hurts more than any break-up.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:39:48 GMT

Body modifications I'd like to get done within the next year.

01. Punch both my conches to 6g
02. Pierce my right industrial
03. Begin (if not start) my Audrey Kawasaki/ocean themed half sleeve.
04. Get some sort of scarification/branding/cautery work done (particularly on my right thigh) - current inspiration: Bright Eyes lyrics "we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales"
05. Microdermal above my chest piece
06. Get my belly button pierced & stretch to an 8g (to match my tragus piercings!)
07. Possibly rethink the layout of my facial piercings, retire what no longer fits & get a medusa
08. Get a triangle piercing
09. Tattoo my nautical themed pieces on the top of my feet.
010. Do my first play piercings

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:20:10 GMT

I closed my eyes, let the music wash over my skin, took a sip of my drink & danced. I danced until sweat beaded between my breasts, until my breath was coated in smoke & flash disco lights. Surrounded by hundreds of pulsating bodies, romper stuck heavy to me, I could never imagine stopping.

And in that moment, I was free.

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 13:07:38 GMT

I am hungover.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 17:54:04 GMT

"I'm taking artsy photos." I'm pretty sure those photos Andrew took of us are going to be blurred & candid. I chugged the end of my beer as we all put on our jackets & headed to Blackstones in the damp air.

A tree splashed Drea's umbrella & she grabbed my arm for balance. "Girl, I am DRUNK." I looked over my shoulder to see Emily & Jen splitting a cigarette, heads close together, talking quickly.

Later, when we were all at Styxx together, drinking beers & mixed drinks, I caught myself losing my voice from laughing too much. When Alana showed up, I nearly tackled her - I miss the way she makes me feel happy like a little girl. I bought Sam & I a shot of rum; "to consumate a new friendship!"

Last night was the first time in days I've felt happy as I fell asleep.

The rain today is keeping me trapped indoors, but not for long. The Dyke March is tonight & I'm sure I'll end up on the West End again, drinking cheap beer & listening to Lady GaGa. I am not going to let this feeling slip away, not now that I've finally found it again.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:29:55 GMT

When did I become the type of person who doesn't mind working at 4:30am on their day off?

This whole "growing up" thing is weighing hard on me, man.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:03:39 GMT

I used to be a pretty positive person. I enjoyed being a source of happiness to others, being light as air. But between you & me? It's awfully fucking hard to be positive when you feel so lonely.

Either something is wrong with me & the way I conduct friendships, or I've truly managed to surround myself with egotistical, narcissitic, negitive people for the last 21 years.

I'm scared if I don't get out of here soon, I'll be stuck like this forever. Being proactive isn't enough - I need help, I need support.

I just need something that I don't have.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 10:44:40 GMT

I finally stretched both my tragus piercings to 8g. They look adorable with their tiny SF eyelets. Even my mom thinks so. Next up: 6g conch punches by Jen (yes, my girlfriend).

I hope when my past partners remember me, it's mostly fondly. I hope when they describe me, they recollect how remarkably romantic I was, the compassion I held for whatever connection we formed. More likely than not, I am a burden to some, heartbreak to others - I am mostly terrified to learn I am the forgotten lover to any of them. I am taking all the mistakes I've made in the years before & all the beautiful, perfect love I've always wanted to share & learning, breathing, growing into the type of woman Jen deserves. It is our 3 month anniversary soon; it feels like much longer already. She truly makes me feel alive.

My health is falling to shit & I'm not sure why, or even how to fix it. Without insurance, I'm stuck in this constantly sick, too poor for the hospital purgatory. My chest has shooting pains, my shoulders constantly ache, I've got a sore throat that won't quit. I wish I knew more herbal remedies, so I could try to fix myself.

My Aunt Robbie is dying & I feel terrible, knowing in my mind, this is the least of my worries.

I need to ~~sleep~~ rest. I haven't felt rested in weeks. I think I may be too self-aware & thoughtful for my own good. I just want to be peaceful, if only for a moment.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 17:27:26 GMT

I just listened to "I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend" by Ashlee Simpson. It reminded me that as good it is to be a positive person, sometimes I miss being a badass, gossiping bitch.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 03:51:44 GMT

I am the kind of person people enjoy having in their life for a period of time, constantly - obsessively, almost - & then they can move on, back to their old lives.

Somehow, now that I'm aware of this, it doesn't make me feel so lost anymore. Just sad for the people who will never realize what a good friend I am.

Luckily, I've got a best friend & her name is Jen & we are in love.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:19:04 GMT

Falling from the top floor your lungs
fill like parachutes
windows go rushing by.
people inside,
dressed for the funeral in black and white.
These ties strangle our necks, hanging in the closet,
found in the cubicle;
without a name, just numbers, on the resume stored in the mainframe, marked for delete.

please take these hands
throw them in the river,
wash away the things they never held
please take these hands,
throw me in the river,
don't let me drown before the workday ends.

9 to 5! 9 to 5!

and we're up to our necks,
drowning in the seconds,
ingesting the morning commute
lost in a dead subway sleep
now we lie wide awake in our parents' beds
tossing and turning.
tomorrow we'll get up
drive to work,
single file
with everyday
it's like the last.
waiting for the life to start, is it always just ahead of the curve?

please take these hands
throw them in the river,
wash away the things they never held
please take these hands,
throw me in the river,
don't let me drown before the workday ends.

just keep making copies
of copies
of copies
when will it end?

it'll never end,
'til it gets so bad
that the ink fills in our fingerprints
and the silhouette of your own face becomes the black cloud of war
and even in our dreams we're so afraid the way we'll offset who we are
all those breaths that you took have now been canceled in your lungs.
last night my teeth fell out like ivory typewriter keys
and all the monuments and skyscrapers burned down and filled the sea.
save our ship
the anchor is part of the desk
we can't cut free,
the water is flooding the decks
the memo's sent through the currents
computers spark like flares
i can see them.

they don't touch me,
touch me.
please someone,
teach me how to swim.
please, don't let me drown,

please, don't let me drown.

I work in a place where I work for 11 days straight, ask for a day off & get denied. My boss is the kind of man who tries flirts with me when he can get away with it, yet has made me cry two days in a row now. I am beginning to be scared of myself - I am losing touch of my own positivity, self awareness. I smile when Jen kisses me & I realize it's the first time my lips have turned upwards in days. She, alone, is the object, the person, the atmosphere that keeps me happy, that reminds me I deserve better, that I am better. I haven't slept well in weeks from terrible dreams, so horrified I wake up sweating. I am not this person & I know this.

I need warm weather, new faces. This is no longer a situation that can be put on hold. I am being suffocated by my own saddness; something needs to change.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:02:28 GMT

Things I don't necessarily need, but would really, really like:
Iced peppermint tea, platinum hair, an adorable bike with a little pink basket, the money for my half-sleeve, a day off, my girlfriend's lips on mine, train tickets to California, hours to waste at the gym, a manicure & a pair of black, strappy heels.

Things I need:
Inspiration, courage & a good nights sleep.

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 04:28:44 GMT

I've made some mircaulously sweet, considerate friends. I realized that tonight, over dark beers & laughter.

More than anything, tonight reminded me that I needed to leave while I still have things to come home & miss.

My home will always be Portland, Maine... but my heart just isn't here anymore. I need to scare myself into being a real person again.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:08:10 GMT

you said you'd write to me.

my hands were heavy in yours.
at the time it seemed romantic,
now i can see time is so subjective
& i was just your weight,
keeping you here, scornfully.

you asked, how could you write when you could barely think.

if i could ask a question of any caliber,
i'd choose something small, a .22 maybe.
i'd mutter "why is it when i fucked you, you always kept your eyes closed?"
a million unanswered loose ends, but why it was
that you couldn't bring yourself to lock those blueberry blue,
baby blue eyes on my own when my fingers
were buried half way up your cunt is the one
that will lodge in your throat.

hopefully it'll keep you up some day the way it did to me.

they say keep your cuts clean, keep your wounds uninfected.
how could i possibly keep you out of my system?
i have scars that will never heal,
little bits of you always lying dormant,
waiting for the right time to irritate my flesh.

you were always so good at that.

maybe when i told you to write to me,
i meant tell me a story.
the kind where no one is the bad guy,
where when you said "you'll always be my best friend",
you didn't lie.
the kind where i could learn to let you go.
or maybe i meant the kind where we didn't meet at all,
where you weren't my girlfriend, or any sort of friend
for that matter.

... not that it's so far from the truth.

but when you said you'd write to me,
i believed it.
but i promise you,
i don't wait by the mailbox anymore.

Goodbye, Lydia. It's time to finally let you go.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:21:50 GMT

Tonight, I realized: I am just as scared to leave as I am to stay.

I couldn't cry at Zoe's vigil. All I could do was shake & wonder when Portland became so disconnected from itself.

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:51:53 GMT

I just spent nearly 80 dollars on sex toys. Tonight will be a very good night. I love my girl.

Sat, 30 May 2009 02:02:40 GMT

I miss having a best friend.

Although I should consider myself lucky, as I've got a best friend in my girlfriend.

I still miss it, though.